My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much