Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
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Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?