putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what