Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I will never stop laughing at this
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”