The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”