Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
You Might Also Like
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.