Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.