interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..