[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
You Might Also Like
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?