My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
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*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
We need more people like this.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*