The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.