It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.