*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
The best shot in the history of golf
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
men are simple creatures
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…