It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
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*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
*Inspirational Tweets*
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s