If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
I beg your pardon?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves