ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
#ParentingFacts
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.