You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
You Might Also Like
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo