Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.