Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.