There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I put the mess in domestic.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.