I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
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Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Pandas 🐼🖤
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s