[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence