I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
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God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“That’s what” – She
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.