Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”