Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
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We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
🙂🐾