My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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When I snag the last meatball.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story