Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
your honor my client chooses dare
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine