Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
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[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
How actors in movies eat their food
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur