Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
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Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.