This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
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I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks