Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
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[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
No, I don’t think I will.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).