Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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No, he would not have.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr