Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
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The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Who called it baking and not making love
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years