I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.