to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Peace was never an option
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you