Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Always 🥴
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.