Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
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Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Oh no
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell