I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed