My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
🍞🦆
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.