just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I have never related to a cat more
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”