jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.