You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.