It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Thanks to a fan for this one.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.