me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
You Might Also Like
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
me as a parent
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
FRED: right
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair