The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
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Watermelon Boss!
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”