I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.