Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Just so funny
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.