me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
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In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Put the is in disheveled
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.