I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
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Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes