you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
You Might Also Like
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.